Life lesson no. 1: Love is more than a feeling.
Is love a feeling or a choice?
Context: Somehow, in the romantic world of music and theater, we have made love to be what it is not. We have so mixed love with beauty and charm and sensuality and contact that we have robbed it of its higher call of cherishing and nurturing.
Relationship red flags: Your feelings don’t lie
Feelings are essential in relationships — they guide you, alerting you when something’s wrong!
When you feel something isn’t right, there is a good chance that something is indeed not right.
For example,
When your gut feeling says that something is off, even though you can’t pinpoint a specific reason, it’s important to trust those gut instincts – they often reveal red flags you might otherwise miss.
So yes, in this context, feelings are important when it comes to relationships.
But what do I mean when I say love is more than a feeling?
Love is more than a feeling. It is a choice
Feelings come and go, but love is a decision you make every day to stick with the person you love no matter what the cost, in sickness and in health, until death do you part.
So just because you stop ‘feeling’ love for someone doesn’t mean you have to let them go.
I am not saying you should continue staying with an abusive partner or a criminal.
All I am saying is that you shouldn’t leave a person just because you feel they are boring. You get it, right?
Things like she’s not as hot as the other girl, he’s not rich, petty irritations and fights, unhappy with your own life, and fear of commitments aren’t valid reasons to break up.
To break up, you need a valid reason, like if the person is a criminal, cheater, infidelity, financial incompatibility, etc.
And if you aren’t yet married, plan ahead of time how compatible you both are in your beliefs, lifestyle, and finances before getting settled. These things should be discussed before your wedding and not after.
After the wedding, you shouldn’t be saying things like, “I am bored. I want a divorce.” It doesn’t work like that. It sounds silly when I say this, but if you look around or read the newspaper, this is what’s happening in the world outside. People are divorced for silly reasons.
Read: How to set healthy boundaries with others in relationships?
Love makes sense only in a committed relationship
Love is more than a feeling that makes sense only in a committed relationship, such as in the context of marriage.
(Even though I am giving an example from marriage, it applies to every other relationship)
In the honeymoon phase, when everything is hunky dory, everything’s great.
But what happens when you hit a roadblock or when life humbles you?
Will you still feel the same love for them?
Can you truly claim it’s love if you can’t handle your partner’s morning breath or farts? Those quirks are the ultimate test of commitment! If you can weather those, you can weather anything. Just kidding
The truth is, there will be times when you don’t FEEL the same passionate love for your partner. That’s perfectly normal.
For instance, one day you may feel a sexual longing driven by passion and pleasure and the next, this romantic love can transform into other forms of love, such as Pragma — a love based on love, honor, and respect for each other.
Understanding that love isn’t just a fleeting feeling, but an evolving emotion, is essential for strong, lasting relationships.
Committing to love involves nurturing and cherishing beyond just feelings
Love is more than a feeling. When you commit to loving someone, it means that you recognize the importance of investing time and effort to nurture and cherish your partner.
It goes beyond just experiencing feelings of affection and attraction towards them. It involves consciously prioritizing their well-being, showing them kindness and compassion, and being there for them through thick and thin.
Commitment to love means doing the ‘right’ thing even when you feel injustice has been done to you.
If your partner cheats on you or abuses you, as a person of value, you shouldn’t cheat them back or abuse them.
Your response to their actions will say a lot about your character. Even though it may be tempting to react in revenge, it is better to respond with grace and dignity.
While it may not be easy, doing so will earn you respect over time. Remember that just because someone else has acted poorly, it doesn’t mean you have to lower yourself to their level.
Commitment to love means zero ego
Manoj Bajpayee, a famous Bollywood actor when asked what was the secret to his successful marriage, he said one needs to have zero ego. He’s been married for about 18 years now and believes that putting your partner’s needs ahead of yours is crucial.
You can be a great manager at work, but you can’t and shouldn’t ‘manage’ your spouse. That’s not how you treat your spouse. You need to have zero ego. Your professional and personal lives need to be separate. You shouldn’t be mixing it up.
Commitment to love involves choosing your battles wisely
Sudha Murthy, Indian educator, author, philanthropist, former chairperson of Infosys Foundation and mother in law of Rishi Sunak, the Prime Minister of England put this in the best possible manner.
She suggests that disagreements and arguments are inevitable in any long-term relationship. However, it is important to choose your battles wisely.
If you can overlook certain things that are important to your partner, it’s okay to “lose” an argument for the greater good of the relationship. You don’t have to “win” every argument as it’s alright to let go of some for the sake of your relationship.
Commitment to love involves learning to accept differences in your relationships.
CS Lewis writes,
“When two humans have lived together for many years it usually happens that each has tones of voice and expressions of face which are almost unendurably irritating to the other.”
C. S. Lewis
In everyday life, people may say hurtful things that appear harmless on paper. The words in themselves may not be offensive but the tone, context, and intention in which you say it are not far short of a blow in the face — you know the kind of thing: I simply ask her what time dinner will be and she flies into a temper.”
We usually demand that all that what we utter is to be taken at face value and judged simply on the actual words while at the same time judging the other person’s utterances with the fullest and most over-sensitive interpretation.
The fact is you will not like everything about your partner, but learning to accept differences in your realtionships will certainly remove a ton of burden off your shoulders.
Read: 7 Types of love relationships — how many do you know?
Conclusion
To summarize, love is more than a feeling. True love involves feeling a strong connection with your partner, but it also requires making conscious choices and commitments to nurture that relationship. To truly cherish and grow a loving relationship, it is important to align your feelings and actions with your core values and beliefs. When these elements work in harmony, love can blossom and deepen over time, creating a fulfilling and rewarding bond.
References:
- Love not from the movies
- Screwtape letters, CS Lewis
