I used to struggle setting boundaries with others in relationships. Here’s what I learnt:

To people who feel mistreated, do you struggle to set boundaries with others?

There’s a saying that goes, if someone is mistreating you, it’s likely because you have allowed them to disrespect you. 

Don’t let anybody disrespect you, not even if they’re a family member. Just because someone is related to us doesn’t mean we have to accept their toxic behaviour or tolerate their abuse.

For example, if a relative makes hurtful comments about your appearance or lifestyle, you need to figure out a way to communicate to them clearly that it’s not okay. You don’t have to be aggressive or confrontational. You just have to figure out a way to communicate your needs and expectations in a clear and respectful manner.

We have the right to protect ourselves and those under our care from harm, whether it comes from a stranger or a loved one.

For example, you could say things like, “I don’t appreciate it when you criticise my choices, and I would prefer it if you could refrain from making those comments in the future.” 

Or, depending on who that person is, you could be even more assertive — “Please refrain from making those comments in the future!”

Why give someone free passage into your life when they’re not good for your mental health?

So then,

Why is it hard to set boundaries with others?

The number one reason why most of us struggle to set boundaries with others is due to 

(1) A lack of knowledge or skills 

We may not know how to set boundaries effectively or lack the skills to do so.

Worse, 

We aren’t familiar with the concept of boundaries. We don’t know what that means.

Neither do they (that toxic person).

Many years ago, I used to struggle with boundaries because I didn’t know what boundaries were really. Never heard of ’em.

It wasn’t until I reached out for help that I was able to gain a better understanding of what boundaries meant.

It made me feel less guilty… less gaslit. 

It helped remove mental clutter and emotional fog from my thought process.

It brought not just clarity of thought but also helped me distinguish between abusive behavior and constructive feedback, allowing me to draw a clear boundary.

(2) We fear rejection or conflict

That uncle of yours may not necessarily be a toxic person, but well yeah, his comments or advice is something you don’t necessarily appreciate. 

So how do you tell him without calling for a conflict? Maybe he’s someone influential in society that people look upto.

As human beings, we have a deep-seated need for connection and belonging. Therefore, we go to great lengths to avoid rejection or conflict that could threaten our relationships. This is why setting boundaries with others can be so difficult. 

(3) We fear being seen as selfish

We feel guilty for prioritising our own needs over those of others. 

It’s a painful and complicated struggle that can leave us feeling drained and disheartened. 

But remember, setting boundaries isn’t selfish – it’s an act of self-care and self-love that is essential for our own growth and happiness. 

Have you ever been on a flight and watched the safety protocol performed by the flight attendants? 

Remember the part where they talk about the oxygen masks and remind you to put your own mask on before helping others? 

It’s a simple message but carries an important lesson: you can only serve others effectively when you’re safe and taken care of yourself first.

This is true in all aspects of life, not just during air travel. We often feel pressure to put the needs of others before our own, whether it’s at work, in our relationships, or in our communities. 

But neglecting our own well-being can have serious consequences.

When we’re stressed, exhausted, or burnt out, we’re more likely to make mistakes, become irritable or impatient, and struggle to be present for others. That’s why it’s so important to prioritise our own self-care and well-being before helping others. 

So the next time you find yourself feeling guilty for prioritising your own needs, remember the oxygen mask analogy. 

(4) Lack of assertiveness

When we lack assertiveness, we may struggle to say no to requests or obligations that don’t align with our values or priorities, leading to feelings of resentment or burnout.

Sometimes, it can be that that friend may not even be toxic. But it’s just that your frequencies and lifestyle don’t match. 

Or, 

Perhaps you feel uncomfortable with their friend circle and want to avoid meeting them. 

It happens to every one of us, especially if you are an introvert.

But your friend may be more assertive in calling you to parties or places you don’t wanna go.

Read: Do you ever feel like a misfit?

However, if you lack assertiveness, you might find it difficult to refuse requests or commitments that conflict with your priorities or core values, which could result in feelings of resentment or burnout.

Fortunately for us, assertiveness is a skill that can be learned and practiced, even if you are an introvert. 

It involves learning to communicate clearly and directly while also being respectful and empathetic toward others.

Read more on why introverts are misunderstood.

(5) Cultural messages — where being assertive is seen as being rude or aggressive

Culture plays an important role in shaping our behaviour in society, including how we view self-care and assertiveness. 

For example, cultural messages that prioritise politeness and deference can make it difficult for women in certain cultures to assert their needs and boundaries in certain relationships or professional settings.

This perception may arise due to differences in communication styles and social norms. 

However, it is also important to note that assertiveness can also be seen as a positive attribute in certain other cultures, as it demonstrates confidence and a willingness to express oneself. 

Ultimately, the perception of assertiveness is subjective and can vary greatly depending on the cultural context in which it is being observed.

Now, let’s move on to another crucial part of establishing boundaries with challenging family members…

What’s the importance of setting boundaries in relationships?

Have you ever noticed that people who have set healthy boundaries generally tend to have high self-esteem and low-stress levels? That’s because they have prioritised their well-being. And vice-versa.

People respect them better. 

And even if someone disliked them, they still wouldn’t dare mistreat or talk them down.

That’s why healthy boundaries are so important.

How to set healthy boundaries?

There are three crucial aspects to setting healthy boundaries —

• First, we need to understand what healthy boundaries are 
• Second, we must define them and 
• Lastly, we need to stick to our decisions, no matter how guilty we feel about the process (of course, with a little bit of common sense)

(1) What are healthy boundaries?

Healthy boundaries are basically the limits you put around your time, emotions, body, and mental health in order to stay resilient, solid, and content with who you are (Logan Hailey).

When we set healthy boundaries, we are essentially creating a safe and supportive environment that allows us, as well as those under our care, to be our best selves.

For example, we might establish boundaries around how much time we spend at work, 

Or,

How much we allow other people to demand from us in our personal lives…

We might also set boundaries around the types of activities we engage in or how we communicate or allow others to communicate with us.

Ultimately, the goal of healthy boundaries is to create a sense of resilience, solidity, and contentment in our lives, so that we can be confident and fulfilled in our relationships, careers, and personal pursuits. 

(2) How to define a healthy boundary?

If you wanna have healthy boundaries, you gotta first figure out what’s important to you in life.

Healthy boundaries are all about setting your priorities in life right — If you get this aspect of your life right, the rest of everything falls right into place — as simple as that! 

Once your priorities are set, you’d know what’s worth investing your time and energy in and what’s not worth your precious attention.

To illustrate, watch this video to better understand what I mean.

Rock, pebbles, and sand: Prioritising your life

Here, the metaphor of rock, pebbles, and sand is employed to illustrate the importance of prioritising one’s life.

The rock, pebbles, and sand experiment is a visual demonstration of the importance of prioritisation. To conduct the experiment, you will need a clear container, rocks, pebbles, and sand.

First, fill the container with rocks until it’s almost full. Then, pour in the pebbles so they fill the spaces between the rocks. Finally, pour the sand into the container, and it will fill the remaining gaps.

The result of the experiment will show that if you start with the sand first, you won’t have enough room for the pebbles and rocks. But if you start with the rocks, then the pebbles, and finally the sand, you can fit everything into the container.

• Rock represents the MOST IMPORTANT things in your life, such as your health, family, career, or personal goals. You need to prioritise them every day. If you don’t, it could be detrimental to your very survival and well-being.
• Pebbles represent SMALLER, LESSER, YET IMPORTANT THINGS — household chores, errands, or social obligations. Sure, you can procrastinate on doing the laundry for a day or two, but you can’t neglect it forever, or it’ll pile up and become a problem. Same goes for other important but less urgent things in your life. Don’t let them slip through the cracks and become bigger issues down the road.
• Finally, your sand represents the TRIVIAL OR INSIGNIFICANT THINGS that can easily consume your time and energy if you let them, such as scrolling through social media or binge-watching TV. They may seem harmless, but if you spend too much time on them, they’ll start taking up precious space in your jar. So, it’s best to limit your time with them or cut them out altogether if you can live without them. Focus on your rocks and pebbles first, and then let the sand fill in the gaps when you have some spare time.

Here’s an example:

The “Rocks” in your life

Priority 1: God (if you believe in one)

Priority 2: Your spouse

Priority 3: Your children

Priority 4: Career

Priority 5: Parents

The “Pebbles” in your life

Priority 6: Friendships, family gatherings, socialisation, health, etc

The “Sand” in your life

Priority 7: Social media, screen time, TV, etc

Not saying parents are any less important than your spouse or children. This is just an example to illustrate what I’m about to explain. Feel free to define your priorities, however, you see fit.

Remember the illustration of the safety protocol by flight attendants I spoke about earlier, about putting on your mask first before helping others? 

It’s the same principle applied here when I’m talking of priorities one through six. 

Healthy boundaries is about setting your priorities right!

I’ve set my priorities…now what?

Now that you know what your most important priorities in life are, it’s time you now take steps to guard them with all you’ve got — your family, career, etc. 😉

Don’t let anyone talk you down or sabotage your career or relationships.

Follow these steps:

(1) Identify your limits: Consider what you are willing to tolerate from others and what you are not. 

For example, you might be willing to lend a helping hand to a friend in need but not willing to let them take advantage of your time and resources on a regular basis.

(2) Communicate your boundaries: Once you have a clear sense of your own needs and limits, it’s important to communicate those things to others in a clear and assertive way. 

This might involve saying “no” when you need to, speaking up for yourself or others when someone is treating you poorly, or setting limits around how much time or energy you are willing to give to others.

(3) Be consistent: Establishing healthy boundaries is an ongoing process, and it’s important to be consistent in enforcing them over time. This means staying true to your values and limits, even when others push back or try to test your boundaries.

(4) Say “no” when necessary: Learn to say “no” when you need to. You don’t have to say “yes” to everything that comes your way, especially if it compromises your mental, physical, or emotional well-being.

(5) Don’t over-explain or justify: You don’t have to explain yourself or justify your boundaries to others. Your boundaries are yours to set, and you don’t owe anyone an explanation.

(6) Prioritise self-care: Taking care of yourself is essential for setting and maintaining healthy boundaries. Ensure you’re taking care of your physical, emotional, and mental health.

(7) Evaluate and adjust: Evaluate your boundaries regularly and make adjustments when necessary. As your needs change, your boundaries may need to be adjusted to better suit your current situation.

Sticking to the process — how to stick to your decisions?

To conclude, you may sometimes find yourself doubting the boundaries you’ve set and feeling guilty about prioritising your needs. But don’t let those doubts hold you back from taking care of yourself. Have faith in the process and trust the decisions you’ve made. 

Remember, setting healthy boundaries is an ongoing journey that requires persistence and commitment. So stay strong and stay true to your priorities, no matter what challenges may arise along the way.

Cheers 😉

Read more such engaging blog posts here!

References:

• Setting boundaries*